A quick post regarding a pretty little break up. I wrote it, I felt it, now I’ll share it, though totally over it… lol
I was smart: but he outwit me.
I stood staring at the text messages. Scrolling. Pondering. remembering.
I never fully trusted him, for this cause exactly.
was it my distrust that lead to this cause exactly?
Why couldn’t I trust? This cause exactly.
I go to express myself. Through words through thoughts.
Nothing works. I begin to think rationally maybe another drink?
to ease this rationale
I’m not one to complain but then, just like everyone that says that, I write this
Did I make it too comfortable? Did I try too much? Did I allow a change that went too far?
…..I must be delusional!
Was I too cynical? Did I judge too much? Did I never give him a break? Did I ultimately not jive with what he was doing?
What was he doing? Where was this turning point? I know…
I began to resent him. I resented him. I RESENTED HIM
I wanted to spend time: he wanted time alone.
I wanted to go to a movie: it was stupid
I wanted to visit my family: He wasn’t in the mood
I wanted to talk: he wanted to watch his 5th hour of Soprano’s
I wanted to kiss: it was inappropriate/unprofessional
I wanted to go to the store together: He didn’t want to show “effort”
I wanted to spend quality time: He wanted to pretend he had a business starting
…life was shit. Never attention. My ideas always sucked. My conversation was always sub-par. My body was always disgusting. Sex was turned off
yet I loved. I LOVED. I yearned for a text from him in a day. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He always made me laugh. He was wonderful for his advice. He was a good and loyal friend, to his friends. I stayed awake to hear him walk in the door. To welcome him in, to kiss him, and hand him his beer.
But soon that resentment began to creep in. His lies slowly came to the surface. I found it my place as this was now clearly a big part of my life to begin saying things. This never got me anywhere. All it would get me was … no point going there
I’d restrain him. I’d feel bad.
PITY… Never truly knew it as a tool. He made it work. I’d feel bad for the end result. Eventually I didn’t say anything anymore. He squirmed when I talked, squealed when I squawked, and sneered when I feared.
RESENT: I was so mad. I wanted nothing in this world than to spend time with the man that I loved. He smiled. We laughed. He especially lit up in social gatherings. I saw his strong sides, then saw his weak sides. In his weak sides I wanted to become his strength.
I could’ve. But I speak too much. And in such I spoke to drive him mad. Not with purpose, but it must’ve happened.
He told me. He told me how annoying it was that I voice my opinion. How he already has a mother. How he’s an adult.
I heard, and yet I continued.
In the dying months there were lies about time spent with whom, lies in the form of focusing on family, while truly focusing on another.
I failed this. I ruined this. I mutilated any hope of our survival. Because I spoke.
He was there to catch him.
I, apparently, was there to let him fall.
….. and I regret nothing…..
Thank you for reading,
Caleb A. Mertz